Peppy’s Story – Never, Ever, Ever, Give Up!!!
Lion # 126
Since I was an early teen I have struggled with depression and self image issues. Most of it started when I was fourteen. I thought that I had to have a boyfriend in order to be happy. I sought approval from everyone but especially my boyfriend. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I didn’t think that I was good enough for anyone or anything. When I had a boyfriend, however, it still wasn’t good enough for me. I still wasn’t pretty enough, I still didn’t get enough attention, I wasn’t good enough to be around. I was too tall, too skinny, to loud, to crazy. I thought everyone was just annoyed by me. If anyone even gave me a compliment I twisted their words in my head and turned it into something negative. I hated myself more than anything. I didn’t think that I deserved to live.
I have attempted suicide three times. I’ve struggled with cutting and burning myself to punish myself for living and for not being good enough. Even when I was at my high points I would still cut and burn myself. It was a release for me. It felt good. I’ve seen several therapists and they each say that I show many, if not all, signs of sexual abuse. I don’t remember, or choose not to remember if that has ever happened to me. My brain blocks out anything that is too painful to remember. Even now, years later, we are still discovering memories that I have blocked out.
I have been so lucky to have survived this long with all of the damage that my body and mind has been through. It’s a miracle.
To anyone that struggles with similar things I would just like to say that you can get help. You can find your way out. Even when things look like they can’t get any worse, like it would be easier to just die, trust me, I know from experience. It is just as easy to live. If you keep on living you will get to experience even more. If you don’t think your life is going anywhere, you are wrong. God has a plan for you. He has a plan for all of us. He is the only one that can understand everything that you and I have been through. If you need help and you feel like you don’t have anyone who can help you, I challenge you to ask God. No matter how bad your relationship is with Him, no matter what religion you are, he will always reach out and take your hand.
As for self image, everyone struggles with self image. You just have to figure out how to love yourself. It took me years to do and I still struggle with it today. You have to learn to accept what you have and work with it. You can’t change it, so there is no sense in crying over it. I don’t know how I learned to love myself. My parents sent me to a wilderness camp in order to help in curing my depression and it was there that I finally came to terms with myself.
I chose the name peppy because I looked up push in a thesaurus and “pep” was one of the synonyms in the “mental determination” section, hence Peppy. I’ve had to push myself physically and mentally to survive this long so if you are struggling with similar things, be prepared for a long rough road to recovery. Don’t get discouraged. It can be done. And if you don’t get anything else from this story, learn this: to NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!! !!!!!
